travel – Working Mom – Travel Dreams

After the GLOW

I am now experiencing post-travel wonderlust.

Ok, I don’t know if that is a real thing. If it isn’t, then it should be. This is the time after you have unpacked, edited your photos and returned back to your normal life with nothing special on the horizon and only your memories behind you. This is when people (even those who criticized you about your last trip) start to ask you ” What’s Next?”

Now I always recommend having a 3 trip plan. This is the trip that is booked, the trip that is being planned and the trip that you are dreaming up. I typically do not count weekend getaways in this even if it is a long weekend because I can toss one of those together pretty fast. I count this as big trips. Ones that involve more planning than a quick look at flights and/or hotels and involve taking more than 1-2 days off of work. Having just gotten back from a trip I am now in the process of turning my “planning” trip into a “booked” trip and trying to decide what is moving into the “planning” stage.

I do not having anything “big” planned for the rest of 2023. But 2024 will have 2 big trips. In the spring I will be going back to the UK with my husband for our anniversary. I have been there a few times but it is his 1st time. We are still trying to work out what we want to do. My requirements are low since I have been there a few times already and have seen most of what I wanted to. I have definitely ticked off all the big “to do” items. but I want to know what my husband is interested in so we can make sure to hit as many of those things as we can. For now, that trip although earlier than the fall trip is staying in the planning stage and I am booking my fall trip.

In the fall I turn 50. I want to do something epic and tick another item off my bucket list. So I thought about it a lot and finally decided to go to Nepal and do the Everest base camp trek. As with most of my solo trips pretty much everyone I have told about it thinks I am crazy. At this point, I am use to it and just ignore them. I am not getting any younger and have wanted to do the base camp trek since I first saw a documentary on climbing Everest back when I was in high school. I looked into it and found out that you don’t have to go to the summit, you can just make the trek to base camp. This is still challenging, but a much more obtainable goal. I have dreamed of it since then. I have decided my 50th birthday is the time to go.

I have not taken this lightly. I have read training programs and looked into options of making it solo or doing it in an organized group. How long will it take? How much will it cost? What kind of gear will I need? I put my deposit down a few days ago to secure my spot. I am going to Everest.

The excitement has started. I have decided to go with a group so that my bag will go along ahead of me and I will only need to take my day-pack. I will have an English speaking guide (even though I got a book to learn some Nepalese). I have a training plan as I get closer to going but for now I am focusing on overall fitness.

So what is next? I honestly do not know. 2024 will be a very full year. I have talked about meeting up with my Australian friend somewhere in the world (we have no idea where but Greece seems to keep coming up. I think we are pretty settled on “somewhere in Europe” but we can just as easily end up in the tropics somewhere.) If we don’t meet up in 2025 then I’ll need a backup plan. Maybe the Galapagos Islands or Machu Picchu for my solo trip. I think My husband is dreaming of a Hawaiian Vacation for our anniversary in 2025, but I have also heard Japan or a cruise. I typically let him pick where to go since I have been to so many more places than him. He is a much pickier traveler than I am as well.

Wherever I end up, I am sure it will be memorable. I hope this inspires others to dream up, plan and go have an adventure. After all… Life is what happens when you get off the couch.

Northern Lights!

I can now tick one more item off my bucket list. I came. I saw. I braved the cold. I struggled with the lack of sleep. In the end it was totally all worth it.

I say in the end because it did not start that way. The first night was underwhelming. All we could see of the lights was a glow above the ridge. I later learned that is all most people ever see…if that. I met people who have been chasing the lights around the world in hopes of a glimpse of them in all their glory. It seemed like most multiple time travelers give it 3 tries before giving up. Although I met one couple that was on their 5th attempt to see them. With night #1 I was underwhelmed, but excited to finally see them. (see photo below)

I was severely disappointed the next 2 nights with only a faint glow through the clouds I took photos of the tee-pees and explored the yurts just trying to stay awake since you are at the Aurora Center from 11:30 PM to 4 AM. I was still thankful that I got to see the bit of glow the first night because the weather forecast for the last night was not looking good even though the aurora forecast was looking awesome with a KP6.

The last night made up for all the cold and lack of sleep, but it didn’t start out that way. It was dark like the previous two nights and exhausted and frustrated I told the people I was hanging out with “Screw this! I am going back in the cabin and getting warm. When I write my review of this trip it is going to say Northern Lights…one star…Do not recommend” Then I snatched up my camera on the tripod and turned to go back to the cabin. As I did the sky cleared and a giant green light shot across the sky like a giant bright rainbow and started to dance. Everyone there started to cheer, some prayed, others sang. It was amazing. The sky then cleared up over the next 5 minutes and we had about 90 minutes of amazing lights to the North, South, East, West and directly above us. It was hard to know where to look and put the videos I have seen online to shame. Needless to say I put my camera back down and joined in with the excitement.

I came all this way. I wasn’t going to miss a minute of this glorious show despite the freezing temperatures. Finally as the clouds started to move back in I went back to the cabin to defrost. I had completely lost feeling in my right foot up to the ankle and the toes in my left foot. When I got into the cabin and stripped off my boots and saw the mottled skin I knew I had frostbite. I couldn’t move my toes at all. I had the right gear… What happened? Well, remember how hot I was with all those layers? Well, my feet got sweaty. The sweat froze. My feet then froze. Thankfully we were about to head back into town so I could start the painful process of defrosting. (It is actually my 3rd time getting frostbite on my right foot. Been there, done that)

I got my feet defrosted and with the circulation restored I could wiggle my toes and I didn’t have any blisters or waxy looking parts so I was so thankful. I left for home the next day. My feet were sore when I put my boots back on to go home but it was tolerable. After my 1st flight they were really sore. I finally could not take it and stripped off my boots only to see the blisters starting to form from the frostbite. After the 2nd flight I could barely walk and the blisters were even worse. Then after my 3rd and last flight I took off my shoes and just stayed in my socks as soon as I got to the car.

It was pretty painful for the first 4 days in both feet. The right was worse and took about 10 days for the blisters to go down so I could walk comfortably again. Friends and family asked me if it was really worth it. Yes, it was. Even with the frostbite. The pain only lasted 10 days, but the memories will last me a lifetime.

Greetings from Whitehorse, Canada!

The biggest challenge for me has been food, not the cold on this trip. I know it sounds odd, but I am here in the off season so roughly half the places are closed. The places that are open have odd hours. So every time I want something to eat I need to walk 15-30 min each way in the snow in search of somewhere that is open to get food. This has made me not very picky. I don’t really care what it is as long as it is hot… Ok, so maybe the cold is a factor.

Speaking of cold, It is warm inside and cold outside so I find myself stripping off layers like a horny teenager because I am sweating so bad as soon as I get inside and bundling up the Ralphie’s brother in A Christmas Story when I go outside. IT has taken me a bit to get a system down. At home the last thing I put on is my shoes. But my first day here I thought I might get heat stroke before I got my boots tied. Also, I learned that you can’t leave garments out side for any length of time. I took off my gloves to eat a bison sausage that was cooked over a campfire and they froze solid by the time I finished eating and I could not get my hands back in them. I also learned that temperature is all relative to what you are use to. Now I usually acclimate to the climate in a few days. I never acclimated to Whitehorse. I also thing the people who live there may be crazy since it NEVER got above freezing or even close to it while I was there but they were all talking about how they are enjoying the great weather and the early spring. One guy went camping with his girlfriend over the weekend. Camping. In the snow. Now I went camping once on the California coast in November and decided it is too miserable to go camping when it was that cold out. It was still above freezing…even overnight.

One of the things I love about travel is experiencing other places and cultures. This was just Canada so I was not expecting culture shock. But the people living in the Yukon are sure a different breed of human. I fully believe that these rugged, outdoorsy people will absolutely survive the zombie apocalypse should it ever come around.

There was a lot of beauty there with fresh snow covering the ground and I enjoyed seeing the wildlife. I can see how it would be a summer destination for hiking, camping, white water rafting and well, for pretty much any outdoor sports. This place was made for hunting and fishing. In California terms I am pretty outdoorsy, but in Whitehorse terms…I am a city girl. I am ok with that. The difference in perspectives is part of what I love about travel.

Baby, It’s COLD outside…

Greetings from the Arctic circle!

Seriously, I really am there…and I am cold. Now I thought I knew cold before. I was wrong. I am NOT built for a week of sub zero temperatures. I am probably not built for a day of them. But I finally checked another item off my bucket list… The Northern Lights!

Like many people, the Northern lights have sat on my bucket list for decades waiting to be seen. I booked this trip when I returned from Scotland in Sept 2019 and booked my next adventure for February 2021. Then the pandemic hit. I wasn’t worried though. Surely it would be over before February 2021. I was wrong. When November rolled around and the pandemic was still going strong and California was still closed and travel was still very restricted I bumped my trip to the next year. February 2022 was it! Not a big deal. Then as the holiday surge hit and restrictions tightened up even more despite the vaccinations now being available I bumped it another year. So February 2023 it is…but I was not feeling good about it.

I didn’t get excited about my trip until after the holidays when it appeared that the trip was actually going to happen. Then it was a scramble. Where did I put my frozen tundra gear? Does it still fit? Will it be enough? How do I dress to travel from sunny California to Whitehorse, Canada to make the transition form 65 degrees to -13? ( It was actually -18 when I got there, not like 5 degrees makes that much of a difference. I didn’t even want to know what temps I was looking at with the wind chill factored in. I didn’t want to know.)

In the last few months before my trip my flights were changed 3 times leading me to add on an extra night in Whitehorse then a night in Vancouver at the beginning of my trip. I watched the weather closely and read up on the Northern lights. I learned all about space weather, solar flares, KP factors and other things I never had any reason to know. I learned all about dog sled racing and the Yukon Quest dog sled race that was happening while I was there. I started to have nightmares that I was going to get frostbite on my nose and it was going to fall off. I often wondered what I was thinking to myself.

When you are in search of achieving your dreams it is not a good idea to listen to others who have not been there, done that before. They have no idea. (Actually, that is good advice no matter what it is.) Do not listen to advice about travel from someone who has never left their hometown. I can’t even begin to tell you just how many people have tried to give me travel advice who have never traveled. Seriously? How are you an expert? I have since learned to just ignore them, their opinions and their advice. This trip brought on more that almost any other trip I have taken. For some reason whenever I travel solo EVERYONE seems to have an opinion about it. The trick is to ignore them and follow your dreams. In the end you will have accomplished and seen more than those who rarely stray away from the comfort of their couch.

Follow your dreams!

Getting ready to travel

Some thing about FINALLY going on my Northern Lights trip in a few days really has put some pep in my step the closer I get. I first booked this trip shortly after I got back from the UK back in the fall of 2019. I set it up for Feb 2021. I was so excited to finally see the northern lights. Then Covid hit. But surely the pandemic would be over by February… In November 2020 I bumped my trip to February 2022. The pandemic will surely be over by then. Well, it wasnt and the travel restrictions still restricted me so in November I rebooked for 2023…after all…the 3rd time is the charm right?

I have sat and watched the restrictions and as it grew closer to the holidays I started to worry about the travel restrictions but they didn’t get tight again. Now here I am just days away from my long awaited bucket list trip to the northern lights and I am exited! I have my polar gear ready to go. I have a rough plan of things to do while I am there. I am still a little nervous about frostbite since I will not see any weather above freezing the entire time I am there and as a California girl… I really don’t do well in cold. I have consulted with a friend who grew up in Alaska who gave me some awesome tips on staying warm in the freezing temps. I have really learned a lot.

People are still surprised that I am going alone. I highly recommend solo travel. Why wait around for other people to get it together and want to go where you want to go when you want to go there? If you happen to have someone who travels similar to you and wants to go the same places you do by all means…DO IT! But, if people you know either have zero interest in going where you want to or lack the time or money to go with you do not put your life on hold waiting. Just go! you will meet new people along the way…People who also like to travel, are interested in the same things as you and have the same budget. After all…You met them while traveling to somewhere you are excited about.

This isn’t just for big trips, but small things too. Have you always wanted to do or see something but no one wants to go with you? Just go anyway. Have people who want to go do something but no on wants to make the decision on when? Make the decision for them. Pick the date and time and invite everyone who was interested with “Hey, I am going to ___ on ___ day at ____ time if you want to join me.” Then if they decline, or want to change the plan say “Ok. Well you have fun with that. Maybe next time.” then move on. Do not change your plans. If everyone declines just go anyway and have a great time.

I find the older I get that a lot of people are all talk and no action. People love the IDEA of going places and doing amazing things but when it really comes down to actually taking action they would rather just sit around the house in their PJs, binging Netflix and eating take out. Now there isn’t anything wrong with that. I enjoy a nice gluttonous day occasionally but I also have goals and dreams that I want to accomplish. I can’t do that from my couch.

So how do you make the switch from watching other people do amazing things on YouTube to being the person who is doing amazing things? Action. Make a plan and actually follow through with it. For example; I am planning on doing the Everest base camp trek in fall of 2024 for my 50th birthday. I want to do something epic and Everest is pretty epic. So, how do I make that dream a reality? Well, first I researched the trip and made a plan to see what I need for time and about how much it will cost including any specialized gear for the trip and I started that research over a year ago. Seriously. Then once I had my travel plan I started looking at training and what will I need to be able to do physically to train for that. Again, I made a plan. I am currently in what I call Phase 1 of my training plan that will last until September. Then I will move into Phase 2 for the winter. Phase 3 will start in the spring and the summer will be phase 4 as I approach my departure date. I will put the deposit down on my Everest trip when I return from the Northern Lights trip to secure my dates. I have a plan in place to pay it off before I enter phase 2 of my training. Action is what makes dreams a reality.

So stop wishing for your dreams to come true. Make a plan no matter if it is big or small. Then take action to make those dreams come true. Your friends and family may think you are nuts for doing all these things and some may grumble or even mock you… but I guarantee you that more people are interested in hearing about the amazing things you did than anyone’s endless days sitting on the couch, binging Netflix and eating take out in their PJs.

***The featured image on this post is of me, alone, preparing to do a wildlife safari in a marine estuary about a 2 hour drive from my house. No one was interested in going so I went alone and had an AMAZING time. It was definitely a hidden gem.

Bucket List – Grand Canyon

Pretty much everyone I know knows that I am big on setting goals, making a plan and achieving those goals. That includes bucket lists. Everyone should have one. If you don’t, start one. Spend the $0.50 and get a cheap notebook or spend more and get something better, but do it. Some people do electronic but for this I think physical paper is best. There is something very satisfying about actually crossing it off and seeing all you have done.

I started the bucket lists back in the late 80’s early 90’s before a bucket list was a thing. It was just a list of things I wanted to do someday. Through the years I have added things and crossed others off. In some cases my ideas or goals changed as I grew older so I took some items off because they were no longer important to me as an adult. I have lost track of how many lists I have had through the years as notebooks filled or fell apart and I copied my items left to a new book. I have since dedicated a whole page to some items (like see all the California missions and all the California lighthouses) so the goal is at the top and all the items needed to achieve the goal are listed under to be crossed off as I go to them. (A note about the missions…ask for a mission passport in the gift shop at the first one you go to and get the stamps at all the missions as you visit. I went to 4 before I found out about this)

You may wonder what all that has to do with the Grand Canyon…well it has been on my bucket list since I started my bucket list. Then when I went to Vegas for my 21st birthday I saw a brochure for helicopter flights to the Grand Canyon where you actually land inside the canyon, have a picnic then fly out over the Vegas strip at night. OMG I was in LOVE with the idea but that price…ouch. It went on the bucket list where it sat for 26 years.

You read that right…26 years. In May 2022 I finally achieved that goal and it was every bit as amazing as I thought it would be. Flying in over the desert, dropping into the Grand Canyon and flying through below the rim so you can see all the little slot canyons that branch off to the sides… it was every bit as amazing as I dreamed and totally worth waiting 26 years to do rather than just giving up because the price was too high.

The point is no matter what the dream is you can achieve it. It just takes planning and determination. No one needs to know you are working on it. Even if you just put $1 a week into an envelope to save up for something special you will eventually get there. Make a list. Make a plan. Achieve your dreams. Time will go on if you achieve your dreams or not so you may as well be amazing!!

My hubby and I posing for a photo on our anniversary in the Grand Canyon.

Traveling Again!

That’s right. The time has come and Working Mom, Travel Dreams is traveling again! I’m traveling with my husband to Mexico for our 10th wedding anniversary. Our plan was to enjoy a week in the UK but with the travel restrictions that was not possible. So we regrouped, switched gears and now we are off to Cabo San Lucas. We are leaving the kids at home for our first kid free vacation together in 9 years. our last vacation together was our 1st wedding anniversary where I was big and pregnant and we had to book our travel to make sure we made it back before my “unable to travel internationally” date 2 days later. Yeah, there’s nothing like cutting it close. Traveling while that pregnant was not easy.

I have been to Cabo oodles of times since it’s a quick getaway from California. You can usually find long weekend package deals for $500 or less pretty easy so it’s the alternative to Vegas for many of us Californians who are not into gambling but still want to enjoy some fun in the sun. With all the restrictions in California I find people are flocking to Mexico just to get away from it all and enjoy a little bit of freedom again. I have 1 coworker and a friend who are in Cabo right now and know several people that have gone in the last month.

The airports are pretty empty still. They only had one shuttle running at SFO and the long term parking was maybe 1/4 full. It’s really different than my last trip where SFO was packed in Sept 2019. The flights were sure full despite the empty parking. Snacks and beverages were distributed a little different with everyone getting a small snack bag. I actually preferred it that way for this short flight but a bagged lunch meal for dinner could be annoying on a longer international flight.

At the resort nearly everyone we met was vaccinated. The ones who were not vaccinated had covid around the holidays and it’s still too soon for them to get vaccinated. Pretty much everyone hated the masking and wore them as little as possible. There was a lot of annoyance on things like the rule that you have to wear a mask while walking around the resort…except in the pool area. So I don’t have to wear a mask in the pool area but if I go to the snack bar, bathroom or non-swim up bar I need a mask. Swim up bar no mask. Someone brings my drink to me at the table, no mask. I take 5 steps to the bar to get a drink, I need a mask. (FYI all the bars are outdoors).

We followed the rules, no matter how crazy. It was still a lot less restrictive than California and it was FANTASTIC to see people’s faces and socialize. We got our covid tests to return home and they were negative. Even though we were fully vaccinated AND had negative covid tests our kids therapy sessions were canceled for 2 weeks when we returned because we left the country. If we stayed in the country it would have been fine. California paranoia at its best here. CDC says vaccinated people can live normal lives. But here in California we are still on house arrest and shamed for attempting normal.

Traveling again!

A couple months ago everything was closed in California. With our 10th wedding anniversary approaching this weekend we didn’t want to spend it eating a frozen pizza like last year. In California you can’t make plans farther out than a few days. Our Governor changes the rules constantly keeping us as the most restricted state in the country. So to avoid spending another anniversary with a frozen pizza with our plans get canceled the day before we opted to not only leave the state, but leave the country. You know what’s open? Mexico.

We dusted off our passports and booked an all inclusive resort in Cabo San Lucas for 5 days. Yes, we understand there is a pandemic. But we are both fully vaccinated. There are also masking mandates in the enclosed areas of the resort and things are spread out more to allow for social distancing. Our resort has free covid tests prior to your departure and if you fail it you stay at the resort for free with room service to quarantine for 2 weeks. Not a bad deal.

At some point life needs to go back to normal. Living in the most restricted state for the last year has really taken its toll on all of us. There is a reason people and businesses are fleeing California to other states that are more open. I’m not saying to go lick sick people or purposely cough in others faces. But we all need to make decisions for ourselves. Everything comes with risk. It is up to us to decide what risks we are willing to take and what safety measures we want to use.

In our case, we need a break. I’m all work and no play and my husband has been locked inside in distance learning hell for a year. We are totally burnt out by the pandemic. We looked at moving to another state but it just didn’t make sense for us financially so we are sticking it out for a little while longer. Who knows…maybe if we stay locked down for another year it will be enough to take the financial hit for freedom.

Until then the countdown to Mexico is on!

Photography in the pandemic (long)

As many of you know I am a photographer. As a photographer I capture moments in time. Once I click the shutter that moment is gone. We will never get that moment back. I mention this because I recently got in an argument with another photographer on a photography forum online. The issue: she was hired to shoot a wedding last year and paid in full. The wedding is in a month and the pandemic isn’t over yet. She is on the fence about canceling or shooting it and wanted advice. I gave my advice.

The wedding was booked and paid for a year ago and is in a month. She knew it was coming up so if she was going to cancel the time to do it was 5+ months ago when the pandemic didn’t end and the lockdowns continued. At this point the couple is thankful that they still have a photographer because venues and catering are probably a nightmare for them. If the wedding gets canceled that is one thing, but they were hired to do a job and accepted payment in full for the job. They should do the job. It isn’t like things were in the beginning. We have social distancing, masking and if you get sick we now have treatments. On top of that more and more people are getting vaccinated every day. This isn’t the same situation we had in the beginning when we didn’t have any of that.

Well, apparently some people got mad about that and feel everyone should stay home and everything should be canceled until the virus is gone from our planet. Ok, look moron. It’s a virus. It will never be completely gone from the planet. Also, everything in life has risks. It’s our job to learn those risks as we grow up and learn to do things as safe as possible knowing the risks and should we end up sick or injured we know where to go for help if we need it. Staying locked in your home in fear is not living…it’s existing. There is a reason why we have prisons for criminals and put little kids in time out. Taking away freedom to live your life as you wish is punishment.

Back to photography… I’m not a fan of shooting portraits. It’s boring. I like landscapes, nature and travel. But I am good at it even if I don’t like it. In this pandemic I have found myself shooting more portraits than I ever have before. Why is this when there are so many portrait photographers out there? Well, it’s because they are terrified and believe everyone should stay in isolation. I don’t feel that way. I feel that life is still happening and once those moments are gone we will never get them back. Photographers are here to capture those moments.

I have a friend who has had 7 miscarriages and finally carried her pregnancy to term with #8 in this pandemic. She wanted to do a maternity photo shoot to capture the joy of this time especially since she does not know if they will ever be able to have another one. The problem… she can’t find a photographer in the lockdown so she contacted me. I agreed to do her photos for her. I don’t know how people can turn down someone who has been through so much sadness and wants to capture the joy of this moment. It isn’t like she can go back and do them later. We did them in a low risk way outdoors I stayed socially distanced from them except when I gave her a gift for the baby. I later took family photos after the birth for their daughters 1st Christmas.

My brother is getting married in September. I did his engagement photos and I’m terrified that their wedding photographer will cancel at the last minute and I’ll end up shooting his wedding rather than enjoying the celebration with my family. Why would I do that? Well, because I’m not going to bail on my brother when he needs me.

I’m just so tired of people using covid as an excuse. So you have sat on your butt for a year and don’t want to go back to work? Is it because you are terrified of covid? Nope. You are still living your life visiting with friends and family and going to the store and whatever else is open at the moment. Just be honest. Don’t say it isn’t safe for you to go back to work. Just say you don’t want to go back to work. It’s ok. You can NOT want to go. I don’t want to go every day but I have a family to support so I put on my shoes and go. Would I like to stay home and enjoy the 50 hours a week of free time with my family? Hell yes! I get it. I don’t want to go to work either. But I’m sure as hell not going to use covid as an excuse and say I can’t go to work because it isn’t safe while I go on about living my life outside my home. Just be honest about it. Just say you got lazy and don’t want to go back to work. Saying it isn’t safe for YOU to go to work while you expect everyone else to go to work is just saying that you are more important than everyone else out there. You are more important than all the essential workers who have kept everything running back when it really was not safe. If you accept a job and got paid for the job then you should do that job. If you want to back out you should refund your fee AND pay the difference for the last minute replacement for the job you were suppose to do if they incur additional costs due to you backing out at the last minute.

The businesses and people that are going to survive this pandemic are going to be the ones who didn’t use it as an excuse to be lazy. They are going to be the ones that paid off debt, saved up to purchase their first home, wrote that book, used the time to get fit, eat healthier, forge a better relationship with their spouse and children. There are 1000 ways to come out of the pandemic better than you went into it.

There are several truths about the past year no matter what your beliefs are on the way the pandemic is being handled where you are from.

Life is moving on.

Relationships are starting and ending.

People are getting married and divorced.

Children are being born and growing up.

People still die.

How do you feel about gatherings? Should we never celebrate again? If you are married how would you feel to have that option taken away from you? How about your children? Do you reflect back on that crying photo with Santa and smile? What if that was taken away from you? Remember the first day of kindergarten? What if that was taken away? High school or college graduation (yours or or child’s)? How about funerals? Should those go away and we no longer get to mourn? Should we visit the sick and dying or let them die alone? How about birthdays? Do we celebrate only the 1st birthday, 13th, 16th, 18th, 21st, 50th, 75th, 100th? Only some? None at all? How about if you beat cancer and didn’t think you would see another birthday but here it is! Do you celebrate?

Do we celebrate life or let let it just go because someone might get sick? What about food poisoning? Someone might get sick. Maybe we should not eat anymore.

Happiness and Pandemic Fatigue

Those who know me know I am really struggling with what is being called “Pandemic fatigue.” As an essential worker in healthcare I had pandemic fatigue before the first shutdown order in March. I had pandemic fatigue by the end of February. People had lost their damn minds. Honestly, all logic was completely obliterated from existence. I saw people walking around in full hazmat suits (and still do)… Minus the oxygen tanks. I have seen people doing completely moronic things like covering every bit of exposed skin with hand sanitizer. Not just their hands, but arms, legs, neck, face and some even started to cover their shoulders and bellies and places accessible without exposing their parts that would be covered by a swimsuit. I even have seen people wiping down their purses with it and even a paper back novel pages and all. Cleaning the PAGES of a book with wet hand sanitizer, the dry paper pages with wet hand sanitizer. This was all prior to the first shutdown and it has just gotten worse. All Logic, common sense and thought processes seem to have gone away in the blink of an eye.

We are now entering our 11th month of lockdowns here in California and I am so beyond over it it is exhausting. I have no idea why I have not snapped yet. At least once a day, every day someone asks me if something is clean right after I cleaned it right in front of them. For example I’ll be cleaning a chair, arms, seat and back right in front of a patient and they are standing there watching me do it. I then tell them they can sit down and they ask me “Are you sure this is clean? because I don’t want to get sick now.” (Look Moron. You just watched me clean it right in front of you and the room reeks of alcohol and my hands are so dry from all the cleaning that you can see my fingerprints.) I don’t say any of what I am thinking as I am totally rolling my eyes at them. I just simply respond, “Yes, it’s clean.” and sigh…again.

At least once a week I get someone in who is so fearful of covid that they refuse to touch anything or let anyone touch them. Ok people. I work in healthcare. If whatever your issue is could be taken care without actually examining you, then this would be a video visit instead of an in person one. If I can’t get the patients to be reasonable and let me do my job in a couple minutes then I pass them back their registration slip with our reception desk phone number written on the bottom and tell them to go back to the receptionist and get a refund then call us back to reschedule when they are comfortable leaving the house and being around people. I have no idea how these people think they are going to get an exam and treatment without touching anything or anyone.

I don’t just struggle with dealing with the public on a daily basis but I struggle even more with the loss of everything I look forward to. I am a goal person. I set a goal and I work toward it a little bit at a time. I also need something fun to look forward to on the horizon to keep me going when the times get hard. This pandemic has canceled ALL of my plans. Every single thing I was looking forward to from my son’s preschool graduation and first day of kindergarten to my husband’s 40th birthday trip to Hawaii. It has stolen my trip to the northern lights. It has canceled many girls days with friends for mani-pedis and a long lunch full of laughing until my face hurts. It has stolen moments I will never get a chance to celebrate again. With my oldest child as a severely disabled child I missed many of these moments with him and was looking forward to being able to share them with my younger child. But those are now gone forever.

The 40th birthday trip in Hawaii that we talked about doing 5 years ago…Yeah gone. I know we can go again later sometime but it isn’t the same. Having traveled shortly after 9-11, major hurricanes and other disasters I know that travel after a major event really sucks. Yes, you are excited to get out and as a traveler you are thrilled and excited to move beyond the depressing life at home. Well, touristy places are hit REALLY hard when disaster strikes and while I know the people who work in tourism are thanking you for being there supporting them because they were hit so hard by the (insert disaster here) As a tourist I do not want to hear the doom and gloom every time I go anywhere and do anything. It can be as simple as going out to eat…The taxi driver taking you to your destination tells you his tales of woe, followed by the tales from the hostess as you wait for your table, the bartender when you try to escape by going to the bar, the wait staff as they take your order, the staff that bring you your food…literally every step along the way for every single thing you do for the entire trip no matter how mundane you hear the tales of woe. Then if you do a tour or trip of some kind you hear the sob story just before they mention the tip jar. I don’t want to be rude and I’m glad I can help stimulate the economy but if I wanted to listen to this crap I could just turn on the news at home…for free. I am on holiday to get away from all of that. I also do not need to be reminded about the tip jar. I tip and I tip well. But the sob story followed by the mentioning of the tips makes me really not want to leave one because it could have been a great tour but you just ended it on a crappy, depressing note and while you are still living your daily life full of all of its issues, I am here to try to escape mine. So, while I am looking forward to traveling post-covid, I am also dreading it.

With everything going on, I have had to rethink the way I do everything, sometimes several times. I can no longer go to the gym to workout before work because it is closed. I can’t go outside for a walk because it is freezing or barely above it in the mornings and totally dark outside. With our current stay at home order we are not even allowed to go for a walk in certain areas. Beaches and parks are again closed. Zoos are closed. Everything is closed. This is leading to a lot of trial and error… in everything. It is very frustrating. You may decide to take the kids to the zoo on the weekend on Wednesday as you look ahead to the weekend then Friday the Governor announces they they all have to close effective midnight Friday night. You already got reservations and tickets for the next day. You already told the kids and they are excited to see the giraffes. But, it has now been determined that going to an outdoor zoo at 25% capacity is too dangerous so now your plans are canceled…Again. Everything needs reservations but you can’t plan anything in advance because the rules change so frequently. It is infinitely frustrating, especially if you are trying to entertain young kids that don’t understand why they can’t go to school or the playgrounds or anywhere when you use to go places all the time.

I try not to let it get me down. It is difficult. I have good days where I try hard and things go well and other days where no matter what I do everything seems to go wrong and everything seems so difficult. One thing is certain… I do not do well when everything is closed. Honestly, I don’t understand why everything is closed…again. It isn’t like our positivity or death rates are so far off places that are open that it shows that this is the answer. In fact we are smack dab in the middle surrounded by states that are open. Are the closures saving lives in this pandemic? Actually the statistics show that the overall human fatality rate overall is pretty much about the same as it has been the last 10 years. So that tells me if these people didn’t die from covid they probably would have died from something else anyway. So why are we closed? Why are people starving and loosing their homes and businesses? Why is it ok to let our children fail and not get educated? Why is it ok for our children to miss out on normal rites of passage like prom and graduation? Since when did living so isolated become something we do to our loved ones? Almost every grandma I have talked to would rather see her loved ones and spend time with them even if it means a shorter life than live longer in isolation from everyone they care about.

My Mom has told her grandkids repeatedly that this is not normal. Don’t let anyone tell you this is normal. This is no way to live a life. Saying they are doing it to protect us (the grandparents) is a lie. You tell anyone who gives you crap about it when they talk about things opening and going back to normal as killing grandma that your grandma volunteers to be the one to die if it means that her kids and grandkids can live a normal life attending events, going to school, having holiday together and celebrating birthdays together. You tell them that your grandma would rather die than live in isolation.

Words from my mom. (This grim sentiment is also why I make a point to take the kids to see my parents every weekend and call to talk to my parents at least once mid-week. It’s hard when I work full time and have a million other things to do but I make the time.)

I have heard similar sentiment from many of my elderly patients as well… I know I am burnt out and exhausted from this, but our elderly that was are supposedly protecting are straight up pissed off. I have a co worker that is nearing retirement and she has gone to Vegas every year for her birthday with her husband for as long as she can remember. Her kids will not let her go. She was so sad about it. Here she is going to work every day just 2 years shy of retirement but her kids will not let her go to Vegas. I told her they are not the boss of you. She doesn’t live under their roof and she should just go. After all my parents are retired and they just went to Vegas a few months ago for their anniversary.

The point is to LIVE your life not to just exist. There is a reason why we punish people by locking them into jail. You take away their freedoms and isolate them from their loved ones as punishment. So why are we doing this to our loved ones? Why are we punishing them? Why are we punishing ourselves?

I need to see the logic in things. I can suck it up and do difficult things if I can see the logic in it later. I can watch what I eat and exercise if I feel better, my clothes fit better and I loose weight. I can skip grabbing coffee in the mornings, going out to lunch on workdays, having cable TV and shop the sales because I know those savings can then be saved up to allow us the money to travel somewhere. I can do something difficult for months or years at a time if I can see the logic and the progress and see the good it is doing. I do not see the good here. I do not see the advantage. I see elderly receiving end of life care unable to see their families over fear of the virus. I don’t know about you, but if it was me I would rather spend 6 quality months with my friends and family at the end of my life laughing and spending time with those that I care about than spend a year isolated from them to keep me safe.

When I open social media I don’t want to see businesses closing, people starving and struggling to make it. I don’t want to see people loosing their jobs just before Christmas. I don’t want to see people suffering. I want to see photos on Facebook of people I know traveling. I want to see the kids in Christmas pageants singing horribly and picking their noses on stage (that would be my son). I want to see families gathered together in celebrations of holidays, birthdays and graduations. I want to see weddings. I want to see Joy. I want to see humans laughing, loving and enjoying their lives.

I want things to go back to “normal”. I want to see friends laughing. I want to see families celebrating together. 2020 was hard for so many people. For many it was the worst year of their lives. In 2021 I want our lives back. I want peace, love and joy for everyone.